I'm bitter,and maybe I shouldnt be,because I learned the hard way that they all say things you want to hear.My heart feels like someone cut me open and didnt have any remorse to stitch the womb back up.Im HEARTLESS.I've been mistreated and dragged into a hole so deep my shadow doesnt follow.And Im alone.Nobody feels my pain,no one knows this great heartache I feel ,yet they tell me to get over it and move on.....but how do you move on when someone you practically gave your world to left you with broken pieces and a puzzle to figure out on your own.How do you move on when theres a child growing inside of you from the enemy you once knew and thought was love.HOW DO YOU?How do you stop the tears from falling when its the one time of year that's suppose to be HAPPY and all you can do is cry. How can I sleep at night when my heart is bruised and the one person I gave my heart to sleeps perfectly fine,no sweat on his end although I feel like Im losing my fucking mind.And yet even at night my basic instinct kicks in and I want to be held and kissed and whispered a nice I love you ,but thats just wishful thinking.Because it will NEVER HAPPEN,not from this man I once knew.
PREGNANCY
So Im 8 weeks pregnant with someone I can't even get excited to know.A figment of the heart which my mind can't seem to grasp.A concept which should be created by two married individuals.My friend tells me Im suppose to be a wife before a mom and even though I agree am I not suppose to love this seed inside of me?Because, Im not married.Am I suppose to just get rid of the evidence,so I wont be another statistic?Oh but I will, how many black girls do you see in the abortion clinics daily?Only thing that seperates me from them is a degree.When he was making love to me did he think I was pregnant proof?I never lied and said I was on birth control,we didnt use condoms and if he got me pregnant why am I THE ONLY ONE SUFFERING.The only thought Im able to visualize is my fingers clinging the rails of the chair as they take this baby out of me.Jesus loves the little children,and although I think Im making the right decision its something I HAVE TO LIVE WITH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.How can I bring a baby into this world whose father doesnt love them.How selfish of me?Fathers play such a big developing role in a childs life how can I risk my child growing up fatherless.I wasnt raised like that.
BUT EVERY DOG HAS THEIR DAY
I use to pray and ask for God to restore my relationship back to what I thought was "the good ole days",but nothing changed and I just thought God was tired of hearing me.And then I realized he was only trying to save me from my own prayers.Everything happens for a reason,and although my heart bleeds and my mind is wrecked I will continue to pray.I know that God will never put me in a situation that he knew I could not handle.One day I'll prolly look back at this and think sheesh I cannot believe I was having a heartache over this spilled milk.Im learning that at the end of the day NO MATTER what problems you are faced with LIFE GOES ON...
TO BE CONTINUED
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